


Unlife as a Zombie

by dramamelon



Category: Bleach
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Gen, Stream of Consciousness, Zombies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-10
Updated: 2014-09-15
Packaged: 2018-02-16 22:20:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2286471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dramamelon/pseuds/dramamelon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I never had much interest in zombie movies..." Rose is unimpressed with his current predicament. A stream-of-conscious look inside the head of a zombified captain.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Rose's View

**Author's Note:**

> Finally breaking this account in, posting-wise. This is a short and silly piece (that probably never should have happened), but it's something. It's the first piece of fanfic I've posted in over three years, anywhere, apparently. It's also entirely open to more being added as the mood strikes. Also also, posted at FF.N under the same author name.

I never had much interest in zombie movies while we hid away in the living world. Never saw them as much in the way of artistic expression beyond as a vehicle to get away with unrepentant gore and sorry attempts at horror. Really, they fell much more into the purview of Hiyori and Shinji, or even my dear friend, Love.

Now, though, I discover I perhaps should have paid them a bit more attention. One does not normally consider that their path might lead them into an unlife as a zombie, after all. Of course, from what my colleagues have told me about the movies, I might not have been able to glean much information that was correct considering the actual state of my zombification. I would ask my fellow zombified Gotei soldiers about their own experiences thus far, but I have come across a bit of a problem with the act of vocalization beyond rather unattractive groans and growls. Is this something that can be overcome? I do seem to recall that Captain Histugaya uttered a few words as Kensei, myself, and Lieutenant Matsumoto came upon him and Captain Kurotsuchi. Under the brunt of an attack by those unexpected Arrancar, though, I'm not entirely certain if I heard correctly.

Interestingly, on that note, my attempts at communication with Kensei have failed to the degree that he doesn't even attempt to respond. I wonder if this might be due to his reluctance to interact with anyone in general, whether a zombie or not.

All that aside, I do hope we run into Urahara before long. I'm so very not of the inclination to remain a zombie and I don't trust this Kurotsuchi fellow even the smallest bit. As terrible a trickster as Urahara is, I can at least rely on his ultimately doing his best to rectify a bad situation. And this is a horrible, awful, gigantically bad situation. Look, my haori is in tatters and my hair is a rat's nest of a mess. We'll not even _mention_ the state of my skin! I am entirely unpresentable. There is no art in this!

What's going on, Kensei? Why are we stopping here? Oh, it's the young Kuchiki heir. Byakuya, so lovely, but so cold. It sometimes makes me wonder why your sweet little sister is the one with the ice zanpakuto! Perhaps, though, that might have made you _too_ cold, I suppose.

Are we fighting again? Good. I do so feel the need to work off some of this stress I'm dealing with right now. Oh, Kensei, I do think you're going to leave quite the bruise on your lieutenant. I sincerely hope I'm nearby when you apologize as there's little more amusing than watching that. Oh, ugh. What is that? I don't know if I've ever seen a more repulsive toad than this Quincy.

Kensei, be a dear, please?


	2. Kensei's Take

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I figured this one was waiting in the wings as soon as I posted the first bit. Took a couple days to switch gears into Kensei's head, though, after Rose. Rating bumped because of Kensei's amazing vocabulary.
> 
> Still a chance of more of this zombie silliness in the future.

I know he’s trying to tell me something, but fuck if I can understand him. This is one of the better things about this bullshit. If I wanted to listen to Rose natter on about things that meant absolutely nothing to me, I’d initiate a conversation. So far, in all the time I’ve known him, I don’t think I’ve ever made the effort. Still, for some reason, he keeps finding the urge to say something to me. After this long, you think he’d have learned.

So, that’s one big point in the pros column for being a zombie—I don’t actually have to listen to Rose. I don’t know that it outweighs the cons, though.

At least with our bodies under the control of the fucking clown we’re possibly back on the side of the good guys. I’d really like a chance to kick the ass of that shrimp-sized Quincy that did this to me in the first place. I’m pretty damn sure it won’t work out that way. That kill will probably go to Kurotsuchi. (Does no one around here realize how fucking terrifying clowns are that they just let that one walk around doing whatever? I fucking hate clowns.)

Seriously, though, this has been the most ridiculous excuse for a war I’ve ever been involved in. First I get taken out by a wannabe luchador, then I have to deal with being turned into a goddamned zombie instead of being allowed to die and escape the humiliation. If this whole thing ends up with me “saved” and sitting behind my desk again, I swear I’m going to spend the next year as pickled as Kyoraku on a bender. Hisagi can take care of the division. He’s done it before.

Ah, crap. What is that saying? Speak of the devil? What the hell are you doing, kid? Haven’t I taught you anything? Dumbass. You don’t mess with Kuchikis. They know exactly how to get back at you and come out the other side squeaky clean. That little ability to come out smelling like roses—or sakura, in this particular case—is the only reason they don’t have reputations that read like honor roll at the Eleventh.

Well, that’s gonna leave a mark. It’s for your own good, though. I’d apologize, but I don’t do that shit. Now, what made you act like that?

...never mind. That question just answered itself.

Let’s see if this annoying piece of blubbery shit likes the taste of my undead, zombified fist. I think I’d rather listen to Rose than this guy.


End file.
